This Is The Way

             Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” (Isaiah 30:21)

                It’s been spring for a month, and my vegetables and herbs aren’t in the ground. Forget the fact that it’s too cold and that they generally look better than any of my previous sets of seedlings. It’s a week before my birthday, and I’m feeling set adrift – no goals, no plans, no ideas for direction other than the same direction that hasn’t proved wildly successful yet. I did something to my left knee yesterday, enough that I had to call off work, which is irritating my right knee. And, I’m having a pity party. OK, maybe it’s not quite as bad as all that, except when I start wallowing in it. But it is enough that I appreciate the reassurance that God is still guiding me and still has His hand in my life.

                And He does. Yes, I’m struggling with things not being the way I want them to be, but that’s been going on since the day I was born. That’s human nature. But I spent more than 20 years struggling with anger, fear, and depression. I was a Christian, but there were many times when I concluded that the only reason I couldn’t commit suicide was that no one would take care of my dog – and maybe the assurance that I’d screw it up and end up as a burden to my family or some nursing home. I was sure that I would go through eternity working for my employers at the time, and it was not a pleasant thought. There were other negative thoughts, but those two give you enough of an idea. It’s not that God hadn’t led me even then, but that I could see no reason for hope.

                In the past ten years, much of what I thought would not change did, mostly for the better. So now, when things start to pile up, part of me worries about going back into the bad attitude (yes, that’s part of why WDA is a frequent prayer request). But, now there are little hints, little ideas for projects that lead me along. I can’t imagine God making gardening or writing a direction He wants me to go. I’m not seeing the spectacular results I think we all tend to think of when we look for God at work. There are things that present themselves as major problems. And then there are the discoveries of pearly everlasting, the seedlings coming up inside, the royalty check (tiny, but real), and the idea for what should happen next in my story. Tiny, certainly with no spiritual fireworks and cheers from the stands, but enough to give me a flicker of trust in a voice behind me that doesn’t make sense, but makes peace.