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Sleepless Cain


The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
          Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.” (Genesis 4:4-6)
          I’m writing this at 4 am, after Dad has either fallen down because he didn’t call me, or called me at least four times, and Grace has been fussing about wanting to go outside – and just be outside – for hours. There is a conspiracy in my household, it seems, to prevent me from getting a decent night’s sleep. This isn’t the first night this has happened this week. As I said, it’s a conspiracy, or at least, it feels like one, and I’m angry.
          Of course, Dad has no idea. All he knows is that he’s thirsty, or cold, or whatever. Even if he looks at the clock, it really doesn’t mean anything. Four o’clock? Four o’clock in the morning? Four o’clock in the afternoon? He doesn’t seem to know. And Grace is just as bewildered. All she knows is that she wants to be outside and can’t understand why I’m growling at her, holding her down by her collar and yanking on her leash as we stand between the RVs and she just enjoys being outside in the smells.
         There’s part of me that shakes my fist, or at least my head at God. Why am I not allowed to sleep? If I can’t sleep, why am I not at least granted access to coffee? But if I run the microwave to heat up coffee, I have to turn off Dad’s space heater, and he’s cold. 
          So, I started reading Your God Is Too Safe by Mark Buchanan, and he begins by talking about living in the borderland, where promised blessings seem to be oases. They look so promising, but shimmer into the heat before we get there, and where we fail to live as we should.
          And God brings today’s passage to mind. Why am I angry? My "Abels" are just living their lives. If I do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door. It desires to have me, and I’m playing along, when I should be ruling over it, which, I think, means ruling over me. I think it means rejecting the response that says, “OK, I guess I’ll get up and get dressed and stay up for the rest of the night because hurting myself in that way will show them!” I’ve got news for me, it’s like slamming down an old-fashioned phone – the person on the other end doesn’t hear anything. The line just goes dead.  
         What’s the alternative? The only one that comes to mind is closing things down and trying to go back to sleep, and let God deal with all of us because Cain's otion is not one I wish to choose.

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