Included

                 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor  and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. (I Corinthians 13:1-3) 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (I Corinthians 13:6-7) 

I thank God that I speak in tongues more than all of you. But in the church I would rather speak five intelligible words to instruct others than ten thousand words in a tongue. (I Corinthians 14:18-19)

 

Now and again, someone posts a meme on social media to the effect that people don’t need you to solve their problems. They don’t need you to speak to them. They just need you to love them, to sit with them, to be kind to them. Today’s passage seems – at first glance – to agree. If we don’t love, we have nothing, do nothing, are nothing – or at least nothing of value. And if you keep reading in the chapter, many of the terms used to describe love seem to refer to feelings.

Until you get to the second passage above. You cannot rejoice with a truth that you don’t know or understand at least in part. As for protecting – you would not want me to physically protect you. I lack the skills, and you’d probably be safer if I helped your attacker attack you, especially if I don’t think. Without the will, I cannot bring myself to face danger on your behalf, so I can’t protect you – and without my body, I can’t always protect you. Without my mind, I cannot envision a brighter, hopeful future for you. Without my body – my tongue, my arms, my hands, my eyes - I can’t communicate that hope to you, leaving you hopeless. Without my body, in fact, it would do you little good for me to sit beside you. You would not even know I was there!

I understand – there is a time for compassion, a time for comfort, a time for kindness – but to pretend that those things are all that are needed, or that love can be love when reduced to nothing but sitting mutely by someone’s side and “being there” empties love.

According to Gary Chapman, there are five ways people express love. According to a study of 10,000 people who took Mr. Chapman’s “test”, here’s the breakdown:

• Words of affirmation: 23 percent
• Quality time: 20 percent
• Acts of service: 20 percent
• Physical touch: 19 percent
• Receiving gifts: 18 percent

What this tells us is that 80% of the people you meet are likely to not consider your sitting mutely by their side and “being there” to be a loving response. Almost a quarter of them will want to hear from you about their value to you, about your hopes for their future. As many who want you to sit by them would feel loved if you cleaned their house, ran some errands, or made dinner. Almost as many would prefer to be hugged, or have a hand put around their shoulders. A slightly lower percentage would appreciate flowers, or a post card.

Put simply, it is wrong to demand that we only express our love as clothing store mannequins. And in the chapter immediately following Paul’s eloquent description of love, he makes this clear. In the Corinthian church, speaking in tongues was considered the height of spirituality. Paul rejects that idea because that one gift is not enough. It doesn’t do enough. It doesn’t help enough. It disconnects everyone’s brains, so it’s useless to everyone. In the same way, to make “quality time” the only way to express love guts our love.

If you were to come to love me by spending time being with me in my time of hardship, you’re likely to add to my struggles. Because while  you want to sit next to me and “be there.” I have to get off my backside and serve you. Make you tea or coffee, make sure you’re comfortable, etc. Instead of your “being there” for me in my time of need, you become the person in need that I must help. Ultimately, that may do me good – but also ultimately,  your “being there” just adds to my burdens.

Of course, if your love language is quality time – or if you want to be able to pat yourself on the back for your “good deed” when all you’ve done has been to act like a bump on a log or a piece of furniture, you’ll count yourself as a master of compassion. Good for you – not so good for the 80% of the population that doesn’t speak that love language.

I’m sure that for about 20% of the people who read this post, there will be feelings of rejection. How heartless I am. How rejecting of love. The other 80% may well rejoice that someone is including them in love.