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             And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, (Exodus 34:6) 

            Almighty and everlasting God, you are always more ready to hear than we are to pray, and to give than we either desire or deserve: Pour upon your church the abundance of your mercy, forgiving us those things which our conscience is afraid, and giving us those good things for which we are not worthy to ask, except through the merits and mediation of Jesus Christ our Savior, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever, Amen. (Tickle, Phyllis, Divine Hours: Prayers for Autumn and Wintertime, New York, NY: Doubleday Publishers, 2000, p 26.)

 

            I’m starting to go through a book called, Divine Hours: Prayers for Autumn and Winter by Phyllis Tickle. It’s set up like the liturgy of the monastery, with prayers for morning, noon, evening, and (I’ve just discovered) compline, which  takes place before retiring for the night. This is an old concept, but it’s a discipline I have not used and I’m struggling with just how to practice it.

            But, one of the prayers for this week is the second passage above, and my reaction to this prayer is discomfort. My natural tendency is to see God as an excellent administrator and judge. It’s not that He’s not compassionate, but that it’s part of His job description. He does it naturally and because it’s necessary, not because He enjoys it. It’s sort of like holding a door open for someone. I’ll do it, and I don’t resent doing it, but at the same time, I don’t get up in the morning with the goal of seeing how many times I can hold the door open for someone that day. I don’t tend to peek out my window, rubbing my hands in anticipation of helping someone. It just seems odd to think of God as eagerly anticipating hearing, giving, and forgiving.

            Part of my issue with this is undoubtedly my struggles with “Not Good Enough.” When I pray, I tend to pray with a measure of desperation that I find it difficult to imagine God being other than disappointed. Ready to help? Yes, but not happy about having to listen to me whine and watch me fail to live up to my expectation of His expectations of me.

            So in addition to praying through the prayer above, I find myself continuing in my theme of “Open my eyes.”

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