God's Love

             But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever. (Psalm 52:8)

Why is it that when things are going well that we find it easier to doubt? Why are we so silly? It was a busy morning. I peeled and sliced potatoes someone gave me, then peeled and quartered about 1/3 of the apples someone else had given me. And amid this flourishing, I got anxious and whined at God about how His love doesn’t fit the description I want it to. At least I was recognizing that my description isn’t a good one. It was a “Your daughter…” discussion.

But think about it. Adam and Eve sinned in a perfect environment. The Israelites were brought out of Egypt and across the Red Sea with miracle after miracle. Joshua and the Israelites neglected to check with God about battle plans for Ai after Jericho. Saul was chosen as king by God and screwed it up. David was chosen as king by God and screwed it up. Solomon was chosen as king by God and screwed it up. Elijah took on 400 prophets of Baal, won, ran miles ahead of Ahab’s chariots, then slunk off to whine at God about his life. You could probably come up with other examples.

I don’t know why we do this. It might be a spiritual attack. It might be “just” a bad habit. It might be part of human nature, or perhaps part of the human nature for one kind of person. As I thought about my unreasonableness, one of the possibilities was that I want to be in control of God’s love for me. I want Him to be – as it were – the victim of love. I want to dictate how that love is expressed.

And how do I want it to be expressed? How do you want it to be expressed to you? Go ahead – be silly about this while you’re being honest. The things that come to mind are that He would give me power that I would likely abuse. He would solve all my problems. He would defeat all my enemies and make me look good in the process. He would give me everything I asked for. Yeah. Feel free to add more. They’re all lies that we tell ourselves.

Here’s one that I think may cut to the heart of the matter for me: boredom. When I’m working on something, I don’t tend to think about God loving or not loving me.  In fact, chances are that I don’t think about Gd because I’m focused on the thing, whether it’s a task, a blessing, or a crisis. I’ve told people that it takes me about ten seconds to get bored. Then I’m like the little robot in Short Circuit. I need input. I need stimulation. I need entertainment. I need reassurance. My inner spoiled little brat leaps onto the stage.

If we recognize this, we can address it – even if that involves going to God and tattling on ourselves. “God,  You  would not believe what Your daughter is doing this time!”