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I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. (Isaiah  42:16)
 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going (Hebrews 11:8)
          I remember an episode of Star Trek in which Spock is infected with some sort of organism that creates “joy.” While all the non-Vulcans who experienced it had no problem with the transition, it caused him great pain. The naïve native couldn’t understand. Everyone else had no problem. Spock responded (as I recall it) “I’m not like everyone else.” One of the ways that I’ve tried to explain myself to people is that I grew up wanting to be Spock. Emotions are difficult things, and if I feel them (and I do) I prefer that feeling to be hidden away from the world. They are private, unsettling little invaders that make my life painful, even if others see them as positive. Remember my post from yesterday about feeling the need to defend myself? Emotions are often at the core of that need. 
          In 2015, I adopted the Hebrews verse as a stage verse. It seems to address this stage of my life, traveling back and forth, really feeling as though nowhere I am belongs to me, not knowing what I’m doing. Things are happening I prayed would never happen, and that I don’t know how to handle. From outside, I seem to be doing OK. It's inside where the tempest blows. There are lots of emotions involved. I hate to talk about it because I feel like I’m either bragging or whining (or both), like I’m seeking sympathy for something that should be considered wonderful, or at the very least, for something that for everyone else is easy. There are big decisions and big changes threatening my carefully guarded equilibrium and control. So much of my life has felt out of control over the past three years, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Sometimes, it’s a very good thing.
          So why am I chancing being called a braggart or a whiner this morning? Because WDA. I trust that God will guide, as He’s promised, but that doesn’t mean I won’t feel the desperate need for wisdom, direction, and attitude. Right now, I’m looking for the right answer: the right place in the right place, at the right price, at the right time and under the right conditions. I’m looking for God’s hand in all this. And if I don’t like the way finding it feels, so be it. I’m sharing my conflict and my heart not because I enjoy it, but because you might benefit thereby.

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