Search Me

           You have searched me, Lord, and you know me…  Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:1 & 23-24)

Today’s passage is the first and last verses of my favorite psalm, chosen because of the request for God to search me. I can remember being afraid of the idea of God searching me. I reasoned that if He searched me, He would discover all of the ways in which I disappointed Him; all of the ways in which I am a sinful wretch and (probably more important to me) a failure.

The differentiation is significant. It didn’t seem to bother me as much that He would find that I’d lied. It bothered me significantly that He might discover that I was mistaken, or that I’d not accomplished as much in a day as I should have. I was never one of those who would go so far as to tell someone I’d lied so I didn’t have to admit being mistaken, but the feeling was there. After all, God has promised that if we confess our sins, He will forgive them. I don’t know of any such promises about confessing our failures.

That was bad thinking on my part. Failure can cause us to turn either to God, or away from God. It can strengthen us or weaken us. It can be beneficial, harmful, or not matter at all. Sin always separates. It always injures.

But, while important, none of that is the direction this post is taking. Instead, let’s look at what Professor Willard suggests as a framework through which to examine and experience these verses.

           Information.

As we approach this passage, it is obvious that we must first understand what it says. It’s an begins and ends an affirmation of God’s omnipresence, omnipotence, and omniscience. At the beginning, it states what God does, and at the end, it invites God to do what God does. He searches. He tests. And He leads. Feel free to add observations. This is the job of the mind.

           Longing for it to be so.

As I said, I used to squirm about these verses, until I realized that inviting and allowing God to work on the problem areas now is more efficient than holding on to them. As He works on them, they become less of a problem, or I become less clingy. Saying, “I’m willing to be made willing,” helps. Maybe today I can only let go with one finger, or one hand. Some days, I can let go with both – but snatch the thing back after 10 seconds, or 2 hours, or 1.27 seconds

Affirmation that it must be so

Once upon a time, I cringed when I prayed these words. Now, I can say that I long for God to search me, test me, know me, try me, see me, and lead me.

Invocation to God to make it so.

It is like reaching out and taking His hand as we walk. Sometimes, He needs to tighten His grip. Sometimes, I think He should put me on a leash. This goes back to the lesson I have learned and keep learning – leaning on His promise that He will guide me and make sure I take the right “exits.” And that may even be the reason I have come to be willing to be searched and tested – because I find it so easy to get lost. It creates more anxiety in me than God’s directing me does. I wanted a GPS before they existed, so how could I not want the spiritual equivalent.

           Appropriation by God’s grace that it is so.

This is another of the things that has grown over the years. I’m most aware of it (I think) in fall and spring when I am preparing to go either south or north because they are clear demarcations of the beginnings and ends of two distinct lives. I have adopted the verses that I think I’ll look at tomorrow, if I remember.