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Search Me

                         If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139: 19-24)

                I have never really liked the first five sentences of this passage. It begins with a desire that God would slay the wicked, which would be just, but follows with a rejection of those who are bloodthirsty. Wouldn’t a desire that the wicked be slain be an example of bloodthirstiness? I suppose the point is that if God slays them, the one who prayed for their death is not bloodthirsty. I have to shake my head and at the same time, admit that this is the sort of consistency I find in humanity in many areas. I also have to point out that the psalmist isn’t out there killing the wicked, and that God never freaked out when David or others called on God to slay the wicked or shatter teeth. That doesn’t mean God approved of such sentiments; only that He could handle the psalmist’s anger and pain.

                I have to wonder if the psalmist got that far, then thought, “Oops!” Because the last two lines have to do with God searching him to see if there is an offensive way in him. Did he wonder whether he had stepped over the line? Or even if he was approaching the line? 

                This is one of those passages that I’ve recommended people personalize and pray aloud, making special note of any part that brought emotion or conviction or any part they could not pray aloud without choking up. The first several verses of the psalm touch me deeply in a positive way. They are the big reason I love this psalm. The last two sentences of today’s passage were another difficult part. I could not ask God to do this because something within me cried out, “Guilty! GUILTY!” Guilty of what? I don’t know. Something. Anything. Everything.

                Over time, I’ve come to love these sentences, not because I’m not guilty, but because God already dealt with my sin, because God can “handle” my sin and failure without falling to pieces or flipping out, and because the goal is for God to lead me according to His ways. As I think of it now, those last two lines would be a great prayer for the very people the psalmist spoke about in the preceding verses.

                Lord, search me and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is an offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Then, Lord, search _____ and know his/her/their heart(s). Test him/her/them and know his/her/their anxious thoughts. See if there is an offensive way in him/her/them and lead him/her/them in the way everlasting.

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