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Courage

             Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

 

This is a time of year when this verse is likely to resonate more with me. Not only am I getting ready to switch to my other “half-life” but I’m starting to think in terms of my birthday and setting goals (again) for a different “new year.”

But I may have to spend more than one day thinking about this verse, because tonight I have taken a strong stand in a response to someone’s post, and I have no doubt that the person in question is going to be offended. That’s not overly unusual, but in light of this verse, some questions come to mind. The biggest is how one figures out whether one is being courageous or violating someone’s healthy boundaries. Put another way, where is the line between being courageous and being codependent? Or, perhaps even - when does one move from being courageous to gaslighting?

Looking at it from a slightly different angle, at what point does loving someone outweigh telling them a truth they don’t want to hear? At what point does loving someone require telling them a truth they don’t want to hear? At what point does telling the truth outweigh what they perceive as loving them? I’m thinking there are no easy answers to these questions, and I probably come down on the side of telling the truth even because I believe I’m right and want to be perceived as right more than I want them to either feel loved or even than I want to help them. On the other hand, I don’t tell people what I believe to be true because I want to hurt or harm them.

I don’t think we’re wise to assume that we are innocent or guilty. It’s not even wise to assume that we are guilty because someone says we are - after all, they could be gaslighting, too. Starting with the idea of love, meaning that we need to respond in a way that is in the best interest of the person we’re responding to, the next key is gentleness. That fruit of the Spirit involves using the least level of power that we can while still accomplishing the job. It means not backing down but maybe letting them get in the last word. The other key to gentleness is the urgency of the matter. One can be more gentle about something that is not life threatening and won’t cost dearly.

The third consideration comes back to today’s passage. Are we speaking courageously, or are we speaking fearfully? Are we being quiet courageously or are we being quiet fearfully?

The fourth guideline that comes to mind is that we set our own limits on how we are willing to behave, but after that, allow the other person to set a limit on our behavior, too. If we decide we will not use foul language or call names, we don’t do those things even if the other person does. If we make that decision, and the other person is asking questions and feeling unsure, we make our responses brief, ask questions, and generally respond in kind. However, if the person says, “X is so!” we can speak more directly. Thoughts?

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