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Loving God...

             Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-29)

It may be the time of year and the changes I’m facing or will be facing soon or any of several factors, but my anxiety or anticipation levels are elevated. Last night as I was not falling asleep, I found myself fussing over the fact that I was thinking about falling to sleep and not falling to sleep instead of praying. Even more, I thought about those instead of praising God and worshipping. Unfortunately, the only thing I could think of to praise God for was what amounted to a soulless grocery list of characteristics. “OK, Lord, You’re perfect. You’re omniscient. You’re love. Blah, blah, blah. All true, but it was rather like reading the phone book. That led to recrimination about how little and cold my love for Him must be.

And then the passage above was the day's verse on my Bible platform this morning. Not exactly a mood-lifter but it fits. And as I think about last night and my soul-searching over love for God, one of the things that comes to mind is my love for my dad. I would not say I loved him. If he had been Lear, I would have been Cordelia - having nothing to say to prove this thing Lear called love. My heart doesn’t overflow with words. Yes, I did what I could to take care of him. I tried to do what was good for him, but that emotional thingy known as “love”? I had duty in its place. Somehow, I think that’s a poor substitute.

Returning to the idea of loving God, especially when I’m disappointed with my heart’s contents and my thoughts are - ahem - deranged (spoiler for next Wednesday, this will probably be my word of the week), a video I saw comes to mind. In it, someone talks about a marriage and says that marriage being 50/50 is nonsense. I agree. I think it should be closer to 100/100. But the person said there are times when one spouse has maybe 20, not 50. It’s been a long, hard day.

And the other spouse may say, “That’s OK, because I’ve got 80 right now.” That’s grace!

The problem arises when one spouse is 20 and the other is 35. Then they need to figure out what to do to fix the situation. Loving God with all our hearts may involve saying, “I’m sorry, God, but right now, I only have a 10.”

And God, who is limitless, can make up the difference.  Again, that’s what grace is. But that is precisely why we need God to search our hearts. Sometimes, there’s more there than we think; sometimes, we can’t find it. But God can. And He can provide for us when we lack. 

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