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Feeling like a Failure



Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools (Psalm 84:5-6)
          It's been a month since I came home, and my concern that it would be harder than leaving has been proven accurate. It's been a struggle. There is no part of my life in which I don't feel like a failure. I'm doing a lousy job of taking care of myself, my father, my dog, my house and yard. I feel like a fraud at church, my spiritual life is in a shambles, and my work on my novel seems to consist of writing five pages and deleting seven. I have almost no income and I'm spending it faster than it's coming in, but right now getting a job would require that I neglect Dad. My life screams "FAILURE!"
          I'm not writing this as an invitation to my pity party.  Nor am I writing it to encourage Job's friends to visit and tell me all the ways I've failed and what changes I need to make to receive God's blessing. I'm also not writing this to tell you that you have no right to complain because my life is worse - because from your perspective, your life is probably worse. No, I'm writing it just so it's established - my life is a failure.
          Except, Grace and I do walk when we can and the weather is getting better.  There is a section of the fence along the flood control area next to the Bayfront Connector that actually looks free of litter. Both lawns have been mowed once and I've even pulled a few weeds. Grace is working on "Dead Dog" and I started trying to teach her "High Five" - yes, I refuse to high five other people, but I'm teaching it to my dog. Go figure.
          Except, I know I'm eating things that are good for me. I've ordered a PraiseMoves (Christian ideas with yoga postures.) I've visited more medical people in the past month than I think I have in my lifetime, getting caught up on the routine and working toward getting my plantar tendon repaired. I'm making sure good food is available for Dad and today I'm going to see about a walker.
          Except, I am writing a daily blog that requires that I look into Scripture and I'm listening to Daniel when I go anywhere in my car right now.
          Except, I think my writing is improving. I am learning.  While it kills me to slash page after page of material that is deemed "too slow," or "not needed to move the story forward," the quality of what remains is improving. It may no longer be a beautiful story, but the bones are stronger.
           Of course, I didn't share the struggles and "exceptions" just to tell you my struggles.  I'm not looking for a pity party. The point is that the many failures in my life aren't really the failures that I believe them to be. They are failures because 1) they are not the way I want them to be - in fact, they hurt, 2) I am looking at now as if it is the "final answer," not just a step on the way, as if it is the whole puzzle when it is only a tiny part. As the Scripture for the day point out, sometimes the journey goes through the valley of Bacca (Tears) but those who are pilgrims on this journey are blessed.
          Today is Leonardo DaVinci's birthday. We tend to think of him as a successful artist, inventor, mathematician, genius (really, his list of accomplishments and areas of interest is astounding)... but one of the things I've learned about  him is that he tended to not finish things he started. So here's something to consider. If you just don't give up, you are being more successful than one of the greatest geniuses of all time.
 









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Birthday of Leonardo DaVinci

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