Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the
Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of
springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools (Psalm
84:5-6)
It's been a month since I came home, and my concern that it would be harder
than leaving has been proven accurate. It's been a struggle. There is no part
of my life in which I don't feel like a failure. I'm doing a lousy job of
taking care of myself, my father, my dog, my house and yard. I feel like a
fraud at church, my spiritual life is in a shambles, and my work on my novel
seems to consist of writing five pages and deleting seven. I have almost no
income and I'm spending it faster than it's coming in, but right
now getting a job would require that I neglect Dad. My life
screams "FAILURE!"
I'm
not writing this as an invitation to my pity party. Nor am I writing it to encourage Job's
friends to visit and tell me all the ways I've failed and what changes I need
to make to receive God's blessing. I'm also not writing this to tell you that
you have no right to complain because my life is worse - because from your
perspective, your life is probably worse. No, I'm writing it just so it's
established - my life is a failure.
Except, Grace and I do walk when we can and the weather is getting better. There is a section of the fence along the
flood control area next to the Bayfront Connector that actually looks free of
litter. Both lawns have been mowed once and I've even pulled a few weeds. Grace
is working on "Dead Dog" and I started trying to teach her "High
Five" - yes, I refuse to high five other people, but I'm teaching it to my
dog. Go figure.
Except, I know I'm eating things that are good for me. I've ordered a
PraiseMoves (Christian ideas with yoga postures.) I've visited more medical
people in the past month than I think I have in my lifetime, getting caught up
on the routine and working toward getting my plantar tendon repaired. I'm
making sure good food is available for Dad and today I'm going to see about a
walker.
Except, I am writing a daily blog that
requires that I look into Scripture and I'm listening to Daniel when I go
anywhere in my car right now.
Except, I think my writing is
improving. I am learning. While it kills me to slash page after page of
material that is deemed "too slow," or "not needed to move the
story forward," the quality of what remains is improving. It may no longer
be a beautiful story, but the bones are stronger.
Of course, I didn't share the struggles and "exceptions" just to tell
you my struggles. I'm not looking for a pity party. The point is that the
many failures in my life aren't really the failures that I believe them to be.
They are failures because 1) they are not the way I want them to be - in fact,
they hurt, 2) I am looking at now as if it is the "final
answer," not just a step on the way, as if it is the whole puzzle when it
is only a tiny part. As the Scripture for the day point out, sometimes the
journey goes through the valley of Bacca (Tears) but those who are pilgrims on
this journey are blessed.
Today is Leonardo DaVinci's birthday. We tend to think of him as a successful
artist, inventor, mathematician, genius (really, his list of accomplishments
and areas of interest is astounding)... but one of the things I've learned about
him is that he tended to not finish things he started. So here's something to
consider. If you just don't give up, you are being more successful than one of
the greatest geniuses of all time.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Birthday of Leonardo DaVinci
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