We
always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus
may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given
over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal
body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. (II Corinthians
4:10-12)
For
whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me
will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet
forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? (Matthew
16:25-26)
There’s a choice to be made. It’s
simple but it’s hard. It seemed most clear to me during my last career. As I
crossed the parking lot I thought that death would be preferable to another day
there. At the same time, I believed that God had directed me there. I
considered the verses from Matthew. I could either escape from where I was and
save my life and lose my soul (not to hell, but to self) or I could die a
little more every day and be more alive through eternity as a result.
It’s not that I thought my salvation
was at issue. It was more that the quality of that salvation, or perhaps my
sanctification was at issue. I could refuse to face what I believed God had
called me to face or I could trust Him for my life and accept this death to
self. I started thinking of the parking lot as my little Gethsemane. I could
either say, “Not my will but Thine” or I could say, “Not Thy will but mine!”
For
years, I told my father that I didn’t want to move to Florida. For a fewer
number of years, I told him that when and if it reached the point that he
needed me to go with him to Florida, I would. Not quite two years ago, I left my career (as
miserable as it was), walked away from my social status (as low as it was) and
became even more of a nobody, living two half-lives. It’s not easy. It’s simple
but it’s hard. I don’t have control of much. I feel guilty for going to the
dentist, because I’m not spending my money.
And yet, these deaths to self gave
life. As miserable as my career was, my schedule had some flexibility. It
allowed me to do things I couldn’t have done in a “better” job that demanded
more hours or a more regular schedule. Becoming Dad’s unpaid caregiver has allowed
me the freedom to write.[1] My
soul is more alive because I’ve died to self and to “life” as the world defines
it.
[1] This
is something that those protesting for women to receive “equal pay” don’t
mention. The price men pay for their “greater” paycheck is with their lives. On
average in America, women live to be 81, men, 76. Women more often make the
choice to walk away from the slavery of the workplace to care for children or
parents. Those who ridicule that decision are trying to sell slavery and the
giving up of freedom in the name of “equality.”
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