Darth Vader or Paul?

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen (I Timothy 1:12-17)

          Darth Vader had it easy. He died quickly after “seeing the light.” Paul lived for years after his Damascus Road conversion. I sometimes wonder what it will be like to go to heaven and meet some people who came to Christ after lives spent doing heinous things. What if you meet Hitler, or Stalin, or Jeffrey Dahmer in heaven? Of course, by then I suspect our attitudes will be truly right, and meeting them will result in praise to God who could save even those people. But right now, I suspect there are people who would say they want nothing to do with heaven if such monsters can get there. I can’t entirely fault them. That’s why I can’t really imagine it likely that people like Hitler, Stalin and Dahmer being born again. 
          Paul said that he considered himself the worst of sinners, because he persecuted the Church in the name of God. I can’t quite imagine him thinking himself as being worse than the Romans emperors, worse than Hitler, Stalin or even worse than Dahmer, but I can imagine Paul being heartbroken over his role before that day on the way to Damascus. I can imagine him visiting Stephen’s home and talking with his family.  I can imagine Paul falling asleep thinking about the lives he’d helped destroy.
         What I can’t quite imagine is the second part of this passage. Paul celebrated the grace God had given him. He celebrated the forgiveness he’d received. I tend to complain to God about what a complete failure I am. Like Paul, I should celebrate the God who can turn complete failures into something else. Maybe the problem is that I’m not sure what the something else is. Yes, I know, I’m His daughter, but somehow, I’m not sure what it means, except that it has to be something more than what I seem to be.
         I’m not claiming to be a greater sinner than Paul. I’m not sure I have it in me to be a great sinner – or a great anything. It seems to me that those are judgments others have to make. What I know is that if God can forgive Paul, He can forgive me. If He can give grace to Paul, He can give grace to me. This attitude that Paul showed is one that I want and need: forgetting what lies behind and reaching toward what lies ahead, he pressed onward toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14) and to bathe in the forgiveness and grace that God lavishes on us.