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Conclusion



          We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him. We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true—even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life. Dear children, keep yourselves from idols. (I John 5:18-21)
          What can we say to any of this? I wish I didn’t sin. Based on my experience of my life, there is fuel for the use for those who want to convince me that I am not born of God. Dad’s most recent illness required “Bad Karen” to do things that he didn’t like, and lots of other failures (mostly small) on my part. It’s been a tough weekend, and recognizing that fact doesn’t change make the voices whispering “failure” and “sinner” go away. 
         But I know that I am a child of God, not because I’m great, or sinless, or because everyone is, but because He has told me so. Right now, I feel like I’m one of those pebbles being ground under the weight of a glacier, but He is the Rock, and I am safe in Him. How both can be true, I don’t know. How both can even seem true, I don’t know. But I know that my being safe in Him is more true than that I’m being ground under the glacier, no matter how much more real the glacier seems. 
         As is fairly common for me, when these bad things happen, I find myself wondering about my sins and failures, and wondering how that God is doing through the bad things, sins and failure is designed to separate me from the sins and failures. It’s harder to love the world when the world seems to be out to destroy you. It’s harder to turn to idols when they are far away. It’s hard to do anything but cling to God and repeat after Dad, “Help me! Help me!” 
         I pray that God will have mercy on Dad, and I feel guilty, thinking that I’m praying at least as much that He will have mercy on me. But I understand that God is wise, and God is loving, and God is proving Himself true…and I bow the knee about the rest of the stuff.

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