Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Yesterday’s “But you don’t know my _______” is answered today. It
seems as though when people complain about the Bible instructing one group of
people, it is as if that group of people is given instruction in the absence of
instruction to any other group. Children are to obey their parents in the Lord.
But parents are also instructed. I’m saying “parents” instead of “fathers” because
if the father of the family isn’t to exasperate his children, technically, he
can’t stand by while their mother does so.
So, what it is that fathers, and mothers, are not supposed to do? They
are not to exasperate their children. That means they aren’t to take their
breath away or leave them speechless in anger, frustration, etc. Certainly, if
they aren’t to do that, they aren’t to do worse.
How is one to avoid exasperating one’s children, or worse? The first
recommendation to be made is to build a strong, nuclear family. Children raised
in a home with a parent and a cohabitating partner are fifty times more likely
to be abused. Even stepparents are more likely to abuse their stepchildren. The
safest, most stable, least exasperating home is the one in which a mentally
healthy Christian mother and mentally healthy Christian father remain married
to one another (working out their differences) and raise their children
according to Biblical principles. Take away any piece of that is the risk
levels rise, and sometimes skyrocket. This doesn’t mean that every marriage
involving a non-Christian, someone who is mentally ill, or child-rearing principles
other than Christian ones will result in exasperated or
abused children. It just increases the odds.
Within the mentally healthy, Christian household, there are some keys.
First and foremost is charity or loving your children as yourself. Parents must
have the best interest of their children in mind. As part of that, parents need
to be consistent. Age appropriateness may create variation in discipline, but
if it’s wrong for one child to do something it’s wrong for all of them to do it, and
if it’s right for one, it’s right for all. No favoritism allowed (and
unfortunately, favoritism plagues more than half of parent/children
relationships.)
Another recommendation to avoid exasperation is communication. This doesn’t
mean that parents must give in to a child if he can’t convince the child to
cooperate. You don’t owe your children explanations for your “No.” You are not required
to submit your decisions for their approval. Sometimes, “Because I said so” or “Because
I’m the Dad/Mom” is enough. But the more communication lines are open, the
stronger the relationship is likely to be.
Another help is confession. When a parent does something wrong, it’s not
only appropriate but necessary for the parent to confess, apologize, discipline
himself (possibly with the input of the child), and to restore the relationship.
Two more suggestions: consistency and control. If X is wrong today, it’s
wrong tomorrow. If the punishment for doing X is Y today, then the punishment
is Y tomorrow. Discipline is not according to the mood of the parent, and the
parent is to exercise self-control. Being angry is no reason to inflict greater
punishment.
All of this is common-sense.
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