Courtesy

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. (Matthew 7:12)

          The next topic in Dr. Chapman’s list of habits or characteristics of love is courtesy. He describes it as treating others like friends. He goes so far as to suggest that we should treat people as if we were extroverts (people people) and they are our friends. Reaching out to them, engaging them – not only being active participants in the relationship, but regularly initiating interactions, remembering to send birthday cards, thank-you notes, etc.

This description doesn’t seem helpful, and not only because I’m an introvert who thinks it rude to impose myself too often on people (if I’m trying to be courteous.) Someone once pointed out that when a family member spills a glass of milk, they get reprimanded and rebuked. When a guest does, it’s no big deal. We smile and clean up. It seems to me that friends might not be reprimanded and rebuked, but they’re likely to be handed a towel and expected to help clean. They may also get ribbed about it.

I think a better description is the application of today’s passage. Courtesy isn’t about treating everyone as a friend – because we might not treat friends as well as we should. Courtesy is about treating others as we want to be treated – or better.

I need to insert a couple words of caution here. Some people have a very black and white view of courtesy. They believe it requires you to live up to a standard they have set, and they will judge you if you fail. Someone has pointed out that if you ever are discovered to do something that someone might consider racist, you are forever required to wear a red R on your clothes – at least as far as they’re concerned. This is like that. Some people have clear ideas about what is courtesy and what is not.

The reality is that we’re not the same. Dr. Chapman says we’re to treat the person we are with as if they are the only other beings in the universe. We’re not to answer phones (I have no problem with that,) and we’re not to look around or allow ourselves to be distracted. Mono-focus. I have no doubt that a person can train him/herself to pay better attention to a person they’re with.

You’re probably adept. I’m not. If a bird lands nearby, you’re likely to take second place for long enough for me to try to identify it. Ditto on butterflies or a wide variety of critters. Music may draw my attention, or an idea, or, or, or… As far as I know, I’m not ADHD, but what about them? Am I to be considered rude? Are they?

I’ve mentioned recently that Brother Lawrence talked about giving yourself grace when your mind wanders from God’s presence in your life. You’re supposed to gently guide yourself back to attentiveness when you realize you’ve lost it. I think the same sort of grace is needed here. There are times when a conversation requires absolute focus, but for day to day conversation, well, it’s discourteous to expect the impossible from someone. I’ve been called rude because I take a laptop to talks and speeches. I’m supposed to be paying attention to the speaker. The thing is, if I take notes, I am paying attention. If I’m not taking notes, my attention is likely to wander.

All this leaves me unsure about how to become more courteous, but I suppose it would be courteous for me to ask you about your thoughts on the subject. Do you have struggles? Have you had victories?