Abba Says

 “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan

is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.”

The Lord answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.” (Judges 6:16)

 

I’ve probably written about this passage before, but today’s one of those days. How can I do anything, be anything, have any significance? My clan doesn’t really exist and I am the least in my family. Once again, I’ve spent the best part of the day trying to figure out what to write about, which means I’ve gotten nothing done worth talking about. Whimper, whine. Yeah, don’t remind me about all that has gone before. I’m too busy having a pity party. Don’t quote my statements that the past 2.5 years have been the best years of my life. Don’t remind me that Eastern Black Swallowtail #7 is preparing to pupate or that I’m making pemmican, or that I’m working on book #4. Don’t confuse me with the facts. I’m not a happy camper, and a good chunk of the reason I’m not a happy camper is that I’ve spent the best part of the day trying to figure out what to write about in this blog. The other pieces of the puzzle are probably that I think the pattern I wanted to follow is in a book I returned to the library this morning, and the next big step in my garden plan is likely to have to wait for 8 weeks.

One of the things all this comes down to is ego. I’m fussy because I’m not getting my way. Another of the things is that most of it involves waiting. That might be better put that it involves poor waiting skills. I’ve learned how to wait – sometimes. When I’m in a car at a traffic light, I don’t tend to have a problem waiting because I’m listening to a book.

There will always be days that don’t go according to our preferences. My sister talks about learning to let God change the schedule. John Milton wrote about those also serving who only stand and wait as he went blind.

I remember fussing about my financial situation as I looked at some of the really nice homes, with big screen TVs, nice vehicles, etc. in the park I stay in in Florida. God asked me if I was willing, as an alternative to envy, to accept that my state was the state He had chosen for me for now. Was I willing to accept that? It took some time, and sometimes I still have to face the struggle.

As I think about today, I wonder if I’m not dealing with envy again. It’s not that I envy all those other folks who … whatever. It’s that I envy the “successful me.” That’s the me who gets my blog written by 9 am and the housework done by 10. It’s the me who can complete the to-do list before dinner, so I can write, and the me who adds at least a thousand words when writing or eighty pages when editing. It’s the me that learns something really cool or accomplishes something impressive.

And then I come to days like today, or maybe a whole string of todays. And what comes to mind is the answer of an old song, with a slight change in wording:

Abba said there'll be days like this
There'll be days like this Abba said
(Abba said, Abba said)
Abba said there'll be days like this
There'll be days like this my Abba said
(Abba said, Abba said)

          Am I willing to accept that, for now, that’s as He wants it?