Earnestly Seeking?

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. (Hebrews 11:6) 

          “What is it you want?” he asked. 
           She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.”
         “You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?” 
          “We can,” they answered (Matthew 20:21-22)
                Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” (John 21:22)

         As long as yesterday's discussion of faith was, I have to return to it today because there's more here. Yesterday, I really only wrote about the first phrase. We established that faith is integral to life, just as it is integral to coming to God. As a Christian, I don't have a lot of problem believing that God exists. There are times that I doubt, of course, usually when I'm not getting what I want the way that I want it. I'm not sure that's real doubt about God's existence. It's more doubt about the kind of God He is. How can He be the kind of God I want Him to be when He doesn't bow to my desires? Those kinds of doubts don't last, but they do exist. I know better.

         It's the last phrase that calls to me: "he rewards those who earnestly seek him." More often than I doubt that God exists (as I want Him to), I doubt that God will do for me what He's done for others. So-and-so got a dramatic answer to prayer. Ms. Thus-and-such has witnessed miracles. Why is it that he has accomplished all of that, or that she has such a strong ministry?

       I think there are three answers to this sort of doubt. The first is that God rewards those who earnestly seek Him. I've been studying Scripture for 30 years. You'd think that would count for something, but the question is: have I earnestly sought God for those 30 years?  I can't say I did. I can't say that I'm earnestly seeking Him now, or that I really believe that He rewards those who do so. He rewards other people who do so, but me?  The truth is that I'm not sure I would recognize His reward to me even if I earnestly sought Him sufficiently to receive a reward. What constitutes "earnestly seeking"? Somehow, I suspect it's more than I do most of the time.

          A related answer comes from Matthew. James and John's mother was seeking a reward for her boys. Jesus said that there was a price to be paid. As I am lamenting my apparently lack of reward, I have to ask myself whether I'm really willing to live the sort of lives those I envy lived. Am I willing to drink their cups? Honestly, I'm not.

          The third answer is the best, I think. God has a specific purpose in mind. The rewards given to others don't do a thing to prepare me for the glory He's prepared for me. My jealousy of their rewards needs to be addressed as what it is - doubt of God's love for me. Part of earnestly seeking Him means fixing my eyes on Him, and not worrying about how I compare with others.

           Lord, first I confess that I look at the way You appear to be being God to other people, and find myself sorely lacking. You are a God who rewards those who earnestly seek You, not those who earnestly seek rewards and especially not those who seek someone else's rewards. Help me to fix my eyes on You, the Author and Perfector of my faith.  Help me to seek You and to use the rewards that seeking You brings to glorify You.