Filled

             “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

“Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

 

          I should have expected it. I probably did expect it. In March, I faced the trauma of moving back north. That’s OK. I’m sort of used to that. Then I faced the trauma of getting a job in April. Just about the time I have settled in, the busy season has ended, and last week I worked four days. This coming week, it’s three days, and the week after, it’s two. Part of me says “Hurrah!” because now I’ll have time to catch up on stuff at home. Maybe I won’t be so tired I can’t think to write. Yay! Yay! Then I look around the house, at all that needs to be done, at all that could be done if I kept earning more money, and at what a shambles my life is partly because of my job, and partly because I’m trying so hard to fix it – to turn it into some idyllic, romantic thing. And the part of me that isn’t shouting “Yay” is wishing to curl up in a ball and hide for the next 3 months – at which point I will be closing down things in the north and moving south again.

          The thing is, there’s nothing actually any more wrong now than there was before. It’s just that given any opportunity, instead of looking at God, I look at the house, at the list of things I want to get done, etc., and I get overwhelmed. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much to overwhelm me. Bring change into my life and all the stuff I’ve written about “life without lack” this past week just goes out the window.

          This is precisely the point at which my battles tend to begin. Am I going to despair that “It’s a ghost!”? Am I going to get all excited and climb out of the boat? Am I going to keep walking with my eyes fixed on Jesus’? Or am I going to look at the wind and waves boisterous and mourn, rage, or fear?

          A tangential thought comes to mind that a temptation is not a temptation unless one is in a position to be tempted. And within moments of that thought, Grace started barking. The garbage can I’ve been using to catch rainwater blew over. All it had in it was a rock. If it had been even a quarter of the way filled with water, it would not have blown over. I saw the correlation. When I’m empty, I fall over easily. When I’m even a little full, it’s a lot harder to knock me down. And if my vision is filled – perhaps even a quarter of the way filled – with Jesus, the wind and the waves boisterous are not so big a threat.