Who Told You?

             And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree from which I commanded you not to eat?” (Genesis 3:11) 

            And God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM”; and He said, “This is what you shall say to the sons of Israel: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’ (Exodus 3:14 capitalization in the original)

 

            Having spent the better part of the day fussing over the passage for the day, I find myself struggling and working my way into a crisis. I keep coming back to how miserably I have failed. Successful people have made something of their lives by this point. They’re retiring from having been Somebody.

            I remember, thirty years ago, wanting desperately to be a Somebody. And it seems as if ever step I’ve taken since has been away from that same goal. Sometimes, it was because I realized I didn’t want anything to do with the associated person or people. I didn’t, for instance, want to be part of corporate America or politics. Sometimes, it’s because my career trajectory kept going the “wrong” way. I was an administrative assistant to a county official, then a glorified stock clerk. I advanced to manage a department and selling pretty stones, then became a caregiver with dreams of being a writer.

            I’ve become a writer but stopped being a caregiver. I became a volunteer, part-time gardener, and seasonal clerk in a garden center. In terms of being a Somebody, I’m circling around the drain.

          And then I hear the questions:

Who told you that you have to be Someone? (Or even someone?)

Why not simply be? Not even “be yourself,” but simply be?

If God is “I AM WHO I AM” and I am created in His image, shouldn’t my goal to be who I am? Shouldn’t that be the goal instead of worrying about how big a failure I am to (insert name of person) because I’m not (insert thing that I am not or thing I have not done.)

            Of course, part of the problem is that I don’t think I know who God is, or who I am – not really. And now I have to hide under my desk because the thought that goes with that is … oh, what an adventure, to look for the answer to those two things I don’t know.