Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)
I’ve said before that this passage used to be a big problem
for me because I was so sure that God would be disappointed in what He found. At
the same time, when I worked at Sears, I discovered that I’m visually oriented,
and often felt the need for an assistant manager to come to look at what I’d done,
to make sure it was right and to make sure I wouldn’t get in trouble. I
remember taking things out to show my father (even when I was over 50!) so that
someone in the universe could acknowledge it. More often than not, I got an “Oh?
Yep.” Sometimes a “That’s nice,” but it was without any real interest. That was
the way Dad was. Now, I find myself posting stupid pictures of baskets that I’ve
dry-brush painted and announcing the number of projects I’ve completed.
Sadly, if you hide what you’re doing, it’s rather hard for
anyone to approve, and if you don’t hide what you’re doing, you risk being accused
of narcissism. But God knows, so we shouldn’t worry about taking our good and
bad to Him -but we do, because we believe the lie. Recently a writer friend was
sharing about turning 30 and feeling like a failure. I suggested to her that we
both needed to start saying “Liar, Liar, pants on fire!” regularly because once
we identify the lie, it’s easier to reject – and once we put words to the truth,
it’s likely to stop hurting as much.
And in the same way, if we practice saying the passage above,
it becomes less of a threat – and almost a desperate plea.
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