But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (II Corinthians 12:9)
His divine power has given us everything we need
for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us
by his own glory and goodness. (II Peter 1:3)
Sunday, I got to sit in my beloved Sunday School class and listen
to intelligent people struggle with “death to self.” One of the points was that this is not a negative
thing – “we must simply lose our lives – those ruined lives about which most
people complain so much anyway.” (Dallas Willard.) So often, we think of death
to self as death to the good parts of ourselves, but it’s death to what is
holding us back from good or from best.
As I listened, an idea formed. The number one, biggest way that my
ego – my self – does me harm is the many-headed, many-shaped monster known to
me as “Not Good Enough.” That’s not it’s real name. I suspect its real name is “I
would be like the Most High.”
And the problem is, it tells the truth at least most of the time.
I am not “good enough.” I can’t be. And many people would probably tell me to
lower my expectations, and everything would be fine. Some would say that I
shouldn’t should on myself – so they’re shouldn’ting me for shoulding myself. None
of that addresses the fact that I don’t measure up, or down, to my expectations
and demands or to theirs. Those aren’t the solution.
The solution – as it presented itself in class – was and is grace.
When Not Good Enough attacks, the answer is to pull out the sword of Grace. And
to be quite honest, I doubt I’m any more prepared to wield that sword than I am
a physical one. But – it has been leading up to this, I think. The dog is Grace.
I named my trailer Grace Cottage South, and my house Grace Cottage North. I
have been struggling against grace for years – and it’s been sneaking its way
in – sometimes unnoticed, sometimes welcomed when I do notice it, and sometimes,
unwelcomed. The time seems to have come for the battle to begin.
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