But, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends. (II Corinthians 10:17-18)
When you feel defensive, what do you do? Fight or flight? Dominate
or withdraw? Or both? Right now, verses that seem to address other things vibrate
in harmony with this issue of defensiveness, and that’s how it should be.
The fruit of the Spirit aren’t love, joy, peace, etc. The fruit of the Spirit
is love, joy, peace, etc. In the same way, the fruit of the flesh aren’t
this, that, and the other – this, that, and the other are the fruit of the
flesh. The Spirit and the Flesh are the sources.
Defensiveness tends to involve either building walls to
keep ourselves in and/or other people out, or it involves what amounts to a
public trial. Let me explain how I am the victim, or maybe how I am the monster, so that people victimize me on my terms. They walk or run away now rather than later.
In other words, being defensive tends to turn the spotlight
on me. Let me tell you all about me, how I’m different, how I’m special, and
all the reasons why you should treat me this way instead of that. Modern interpersonal
relationship gurus have canonized this. We are not to speak in terms of what is
right or wrong. Instead, we’re to keep the focus on how we feel. We’re told
that in a discussion, we should say, “When you ________, I felt ______.” And
there’s a place for that, but how often does such a statement end up spiraling
down around us, becoming nothing more than our assertion of ourselves as the
standard? How often does it come down to self-promotion or commending
ourselves?
And why do we commend ourselves? Because we want approval,
but that approval can’t just be from ourselves. Others must cease their attack.
Others must not only be silent in disapproval (against which we are defending
ourselves) but be vocal in their approval. They must validate.
But, “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” How in the
world do I do that? How do I do it in a manner that doesn’t make me sound like
a lunatic, even to myself? How do I do it in a manner that is actually boasting
in the Lord and not trying to manipulate Him into commending me or doing my
will?
One possible answer goes back to something that happened
earlier this summer. Someone pointed out a strength of someone else, and I
noticed that strength. I noticed the strengths of some other folks in the group
– strengths I had not noticed before. I don’t do as well as I’d like, but I’ve
been trying to pay attention to them, to notice and pay better attention. Not everything
they say gains my attention and appreciation, and I’m not sure everything should.
But is at least part of the answer to the question of how
to boast in the Lord to pay attention? To notice what He says and does? Commending
others for what they say and do comes naturally when I pay attention.
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