Needs

 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

 

This is one picture of a goal. Like everyone else, I have an autopilot that kicks in whenever I’m not consciously overriding it. I’ve written about it before, as recently as two days ago. Given a chance, my thinking goes into the “Poor me, I need…” mode. Usually, it’s that I need control, wisdom, direction, attitude, or… control. So often, it comes down to control. For the past three years, I’ve been working on developing skills so that I’m competent.

There’s nothing wrong with self-control, wisdom, direction, attitude, or competence unless they are more important than God. If they’re more important, they become gods: Athena; Atropos (the Inflexible), Clotho (the spinner) and Lachesis (the Alloter) (AKA the Three Fates to whom even Zeus had to bend the knee); Self, and many more.

There are a couple of answers to this habit. The first is one I’ve battled in others. Some people have a habit of using certain words to which I’ve been known to reply, “Do I have to? Right here? Right now? In public?” They look at me like I’m crazy (I’m not saying I’m not) until they realize what they said, and then they look at me like I’m crazy.

But the valid questions remain. When I cry out to God, “I need wisdom! I need direction! I need an attitude adjustment! I need control!” should I not require myself to answer what I need those things for right here, right now, in my current circumstances? Do I really not know what direction to head in the next ten seconds? Two hours? Day and a half? Isn’t that what a “to-do” list is for?

          “But I might get it wrong!” My self whines and I’m back to gaslighting myself.

          There’s another piece to this that studies have shown to be a problem. Abused spouses often end up in another abusive relationship. Addicts who get sober fall off the wagon. Ex-convicts may commit new crimes to be arrested and sent back to prison. They don’t like prison, but their ruts are deep, and prison shores them up. The ruts provide structure, the semblance of a path easier to walk than freedom.

If I’m free, what am I to do? I find myself standing at a Baskin Robbins counter staring at a list that makes choice impossible even when I eliminate all the choices that I have no taste for. What if I choose the wrong one? What do you mean it doesn’t matter. My whole life may be ruined if I choose the wrong thing? Sadly, one of the factoids I’ve read about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is that the basis of the disorder is the belief that something bad will happen if the sufferer doesn’t do whatever the right number of times or in the right way.

I’m not diagnosing myself as having OCD any more than the next person because we all have compulsions, obsessions, and habits. The point is that I can let mine define me or find ways to change. The two most obvious changes would be to define my reality more clearly. I don’t need to be right. I don’t need wisdom right now. I’m not without macro-direction, even if I think that I need direction because I don’t know which way to go in the next 3.14 seconds. My attitude doesn’t actually stink right now…

Or, I can replace the claim. I don’t need wisdom. I need God. I don’t need direction. I need God. I don’t need my attitude to be fixed. I need God. And if I have God, I don’t need wisdom, direction, or attitude because I’ll have them, too. Of the two choices, this one doesn’t require that I fight against myself so much as redirect myself. I’m hoping it’s an easier change.