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Search Me!

         May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

        Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24)

          I remember being afraid of this verse and rebellious. God was not welcome to monitor the words of my mouth or the meditations of my heart and judge whether or not they pleased Him. Not in a million years, because is I ever allowed it, He would walk away and reject me forever. Even if I weren’t condemned to Hell, He’d give me a place to live in Heaven in a neighborhood He rarely visits. In other words, He would be disappointed with me.

          Please, don’t bother correcting the failure of logic and reason above. If nothing else, it is no longer how I think. Besides, I suspect there’s no one alive – who isn’t arrogant and self-deceiving – who doesn’t feel the same way about some thoughts, words, or deeds.

          Somewhere, somewhen along the line, I remember (whether it happened or not) deciding that if that was what God required, I’d submit to His inspection… with gritted teeth and tense shoulders, eyes fixed on anything other than Him so I wouldn’t see the rejection, but I’d submit.

          Over time, I’ve come to pray these verses almost in desperation. If only God will inspect and review, then the flaws can be fixed, and the alternative is, in a sense, precisely what I concluded would happen if he did inspect and review. I can hardly “live in His neighborhood” (so to speak) if I refuse to have anything to do with Him because I’m prejudging what He will say.

          It’s not always easy to hear what God has to say, but it’s so much better than not doing so.

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