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Of Cowardice

             There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (I John 4:18)

This probably won’t have much to do with the verse, but it has a lot to do with it. I’ve admitted to being a coward in other areas of my life. I may as well bite the bullet and admit what people probably already know. I’m a coward when it comes to relationships, too. Or, perhaps it’s that I grew up with such a fear that even if I’m not afraid, that’s the mode from which I work. I have been sure that people would abandon me, so I tried to convince them to do so “now” instead of “later” so it wouldn’t hurt so much.

I think I’ve gotten a little better. The place I’ve lived for the past 9 winters helped me practice some – and mostly more successfully than not (or so I like to think.) I considered what it was about the place that allowed “community” to develop, and my conclusion was the club houses. They certainly help because they create a space in which community can develop, but I’ve figured out over the past few months that this theory isn’t correct. At least, it’s not exclusively correct.

The clubhouses at Hillcrest were, I think, training wheels, or maybe the parallel bars used to support someone who is learning to walk after having been paralyzed or bedridden. I’m saying those parallel bars and not a walker because the parallel bars stay at the hospital or rehab facility. Sadly, I couldn’t take the club houses with me when I moved back north.

But one of the things that’s been on my heart since returning to Erie as a full-timer is building community. One of the errors I made was in narrowing the focus to a community. I’ve realized that I’m part of several communities both online and in “real life.” There are also communities that I can step into with comparative ease because I know the lingo. But the key is not the building. It’s me. It's you.

And that is scary, because we could fail ourselves, or others. It might take work, or the assumption of responsibility. And where’s the line that needs to be drawn between taking care of myself and loving others? I’m an introvert. I need the alone time. I’m a creative or imaginative sort (Dare I make those claims?) How can I make sure I have time for that and still make time for community? I can go for a long time in bulldozer mode – just plowing my way through it – but that causes burn out.

I have dreams that I’m afraid to speak because that’s the way to make sure God will say, “No.” I love the idea of being invisible – of doing good without anyone knowing I did it. I can get up in front of a group without major qualms, but I like the notion of people not knowing. I love the idea of creating a safe, beautiful place that produces a harvest, whether of food for the body or food for the soul. I also want to create a base of operations and triage center – a place where battles can be planned and fought, and souls can be mended. I’m not sure what those mean, other than that I have to build community in which I am the club house.  And that’s really scary – but probably a lot easier than I believe. 

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