Whoever derides their neighbor has no sense, but the one who has understanding holds their tongue. A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret. (Proverbs 11:12-13)
This past couple of weeks, we’ve seen gossip elevated to gospel. Gossip is defined in the Oxford Dictionary of English as “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.” I’ll grant that the testimony before a Senate committee doesn’t tend to be a casual or unconstrained conversation, but the whole issue in the last couple weeks was whether we should (or must) believe a woman who claims to have been sexually assaulted even if she can offer no evidence to substantiate her claim. Put another way, must we believe gossip? Slander is defined as “the action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person's reputation.” That was the whole point of the testimony, to destroy someone’s reputation so that he would not be confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice. Of course, if the accusations could have been proven to be true, what she did would have been judged as a good thing, but the key point was that it could not be proven. Even people who were supposedly there didn’t support her version of the story.
Some people have found great fault with me because – well, how could I not believe her, she’s a survivor. She’s a woman. She sounded so sincere. The little I heard of her testimony, she sounded like she was reading a poorly written script. Supposedly, survivors are often that traumatized. That may be true. Not believing her will make it harder for the next woman to come forward. That’s almost right. Every time a woman accuses someone of attacking her and does not have proof, it hurts women everywhere. The majority of cases may be true, but one that isn’t destroys the credibility of the rest.
People have complained about how hard it is to report a sexual crime. As I listen, I think about my mother and my father. Years ago, Mom went to doctors with some complaints, and was told that it was just because she was at “that age.” Three years ago, I started taking Dad to the doctor’s, and I hear a lot about his age. If he were younger, we might… but he’s not so why bother? I’ve also faced my own challenges in medicine. I went to a doctor because every day my digestive system spent part of the day in pain. I was told that I wear my emotions in my stomach. Don’t stress so much. Sometime after that, the Blood Bank informed me that my blood had tested positive for Hep C. I was no longer permitted to donate blood. I called the same doctor’s office, and was told, “if you don’t have symptoms, don’t worry about it.” It was ten years before I went to any doctor, and when I told the doctor I went to about the Hep C incident, he was angry. He checked with the Blood Bank and with others and discovered that the test was required by the state but often came back with a false positive.
As a lead in a department in my last job, I understood that part of my job was to keep very accurate records about the misbehavior of my employees because if we were going to fire that person, we had to make absolutely sure there was a rock-solid case for firing that person.
What I’m saying is that we tend to like to think we can mention something to someone, and that person will move heaven and earth to take care of the situation with little or no challenge, problem, or trouble on our part. The reality is that we need to teach our women to be at least as intelligent, at least as wise, at least as cunning as those who try to harm them. We need to teach them to be self-advocates even when it’s hard. Even when it’s frightening. Even when the family turns against them. We need to teach our women to make sure to get evidence, and get that evidence dealt with properly at the time. We need to teach them not to be gossips, and not to tolerate gossips because gossips harm us all. We need our women to be strong.
I know people aren’t going to like what I’m saying. I haven’t been there. I don’t know. You’re right. I haven’t been there. But I would hate having someone else make claims that would make it less possible for my story to be believed, less possible for me to get the help I need. I would hate to have my pain used as a political lever, and even more, I would hate to have that be my value to someone else.
Some people have found great fault with me because – well, how could I not believe her, she’s a survivor. She’s a woman. She sounded so sincere. The little I heard of her testimony, she sounded like she was reading a poorly written script. Supposedly, survivors are often that traumatized. That may be true. Not believing her will make it harder for the next woman to come forward. That’s almost right. Every time a woman accuses someone of attacking her and does not have proof, it hurts women everywhere. The majority of cases may be true, but one that isn’t destroys the credibility of the rest.
People have complained about how hard it is to report a sexual crime. As I listen, I think about my mother and my father. Years ago, Mom went to doctors with some complaints, and was told that it was just because she was at “that age.” Three years ago, I started taking Dad to the doctor’s, and I hear a lot about his age. If he were younger, we might… but he’s not so why bother? I’ve also faced my own challenges in medicine. I went to a doctor because every day my digestive system spent part of the day in pain. I was told that I wear my emotions in my stomach. Don’t stress so much. Sometime after that, the Blood Bank informed me that my blood had tested positive for Hep C. I was no longer permitted to donate blood. I called the same doctor’s office, and was told, “if you don’t have symptoms, don’t worry about it.” It was ten years before I went to any doctor, and when I told the doctor I went to about the Hep C incident, he was angry. He checked with the Blood Bank and with others and discovered that the test was required by the state but often came back with a false positive.
As a lead in a department in my last job, I understood that part of my job was to keep very accurate records about the misbehavior of my employees because if we were going to fire that person, we had to make absolutely sure there was a rock-solid case for firing that person.
What I’m saying is that we tend to like to think we can mention something to someone, and that person will move heaven and earth to take care of the situation with little or no challenge, problem, or trouble on our part. The reality is that we need to teach our women to be at least as intelligent, at least as wise, at least as cunning as those who try to harm them. We need to teach them to be self-advocates even when it’s hard. Even when it’s frightening. Even when the family turns against them. We need to teach our women to make sure to get evidence, and get that evidence dealt with properly at the time. We need to teach them not to be gossips, and not to tolerate gossips because gossips harm us all. We need our women to be strong.
I know people aren’t going to like what I’m saying. I haven’t been there. I don’t know. You’re right. I haven’t been there. But I would hate having someone else make claims that would make it less possible for my story to be believed, less possible for me to get the help I need. I would hate to have my pain used as a political lever, and even more, I would hate to have that be my value to someone else.
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