For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
And the
pendulum swings. Over the past few days, I’ve been writing about trying to live
more healthfully. But one of the books I’m reading brought up the valid question
of whether I’m seeking to be obedient to God and follow where He leads, or I am
trying to get a grip, get my act together, and take control of my life.
Is
exercising self-control bad? No. Self-control is one of the fruit of the Spirit,
but am I exercising self-control for God’s glory? Or mine? There’s a sense of “damned
if you do, damned if you don’t” rolling around my mind today, and part of me
wants to stamp my feet and tell God and myself to make up my mind!
You see, it
really doesn’t matter that God knows the plans He has for me. I want to know
them. I want to approve them. This is a deep seated thing for me, because I’ve
had people make decisions about my life without consulting me. I don’t think I
can even call it a pet peeve, because it’s worse. It’s a betrayal. It’s one of
the things I’ve been venting about since March. There are people who seem to
think they have the right to assume the role of my parents, my masters, or my
God, and they have no such right. But what happens with the one who makes the
decisions without my input is my Father, my Lord, and my God? My brain says, “That’s different,” but it
doesn’t feel different. And a question I have had to answer before comes
roaring back into my life: will I bow the knee? Will I say, “Not my will, but
Thine be done, O Lord“?
Yes, I will
bow the knee even though I’m not sure what that is going to look like. At
least, that’s my goal.
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