Heads.

             I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. (Psalm 119:10)

 

Heads. Tails. Two sides of a coin. I seek you with all of my heart. Do not let me stray from your commands. They sound like contradictions. I can and will do it myself. Do it for me. Arrogance and humility.

So, what does “seeking with all our hearts” mean? First, it does not mean that our emotions are the key. In the language of the Bible, the heart is the seat of the will, the bowels are the seat of the emotions. This means that our seeking is not only done when we feel like it. It’s not only done when things are going our way. Sometimes, it is done in opposition to our feelings.

Secondly, it does not mean that we are guaranteed success. Seeking does not equal finding – at least not in the next thirty seconds. Failure does not excuse us from continuing to seek.

And what of the second part of the verse? Does God’s not letting us stray mean that we don’t need to seek? No. Does it mean we will find? Eventually. Does it mean that God will overrule us? Not necessarily.

As I think about this verse, I struggle with the fear that I will lean too far in one direction or the other. I hate how little time I spend in the Word. I hate that I don’t have it memorized cover to cover, and that I can’t match up with so many good people in whatever discipline or area you care to mention. I feel like a complete failure when it comes to seeking and it seems to me that I take the passive approach of expecting God to take all the responsibility in the situation.

It often feels as if I am at war with myself, and I am at war with the sin and evil that is within me. And the answer is not in beating myself up, but in seeking God instead of self. It brings to mind the native proverb about the wolf that rules you being the one you feed. The goal isn’t to bludgeon oneself into submission, but to starve the evil to death while feeding that which seeks God, and trusting Him to show us the way.